One thing that I am beginning to realize, now more than ever, is that I expect more from people than they expect from themselves. This leaves me feeling disappointed, hurt and alone -- always. Usually, people represent themselves in one way (perhaps as they aspire to be) and often times they have no intentions of meeting or exceeding this represented version of themselves.
For the past 3 months, I've been committed to a vocational program with the expectation of finding clarity and understanding of myself, my career and my path. Unfortunately, this vocation means living without the material luxuries that success may offer. In other words, monetary remuneration does not come with my position that entails hard work, strategic thinking and constant tests of morality and faithfulness. In this,I am learning invaluable lessons about myself and others that I love, those whom I think that I love and people who I may or may not know after this full year culminates in July.
My sacrifices for the people that I care about has not been given in money, gifts or partying until 4am but instead with the only thing that I have to give -- my time and my love for them. Unfortunately, for most this is not enough. Sadly, I've come to learn that the most important things in my life are not my physical appearance or my personal belongings, but instead my health and my longing for a family and a purpose-filled life. Substance, faithfulness and loyalty are tried and tested. Tears are shed, love is lost and those without the palate for my perceived "simple life" fall by the way-side. These people include parents, friends, ex-lovers and others. I have to believe that it's all for the best to make room for the right people who will be by my side when this is all said and done. I have to believe there's a place for everyone and I hope that the right people find me in this crazy world. For now, I'm fine with being lost and finding my way with the ones who are still with me.